


Hey sexy, please text me.

by Violet_showstopper



Category: 2P Hetalia - Fandom, 2ptalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, text-based
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-05-26 19:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6251830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_showstopper/pseuds/Violet_showstopper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who gave Allen a phone. </p><p>The misadventures of Allen fucking around with people, and nobody is amused by it.<br/>Nobody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody really likes Allen much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> americanidiot: makes me wonder what else u’re good at ;)
> 
> English_Gentleman: No.

**americanidiot** : operation dildo fest is a go

 **English_Gentleman:** Excuse me?

 **americanidiot:** oh shit wrong person

 **English_Gentleman:** I must say, I am quite intrigued by this festival of sex toys you speak of. Care to enlighten me?

 **americanidiot:** ugh never say things ever again

 **English_Gentleman:** I really am curious as to why a username that I don’t know would text me about an “operation dildo fest”

 **americanidiot** : hey look at that i found ur nose

 **americanidiot:** it was in my buisness

 **English_Gentleman:** Hilarious.

 **americanidiot:** no no seriously u should come pick it up

 **americanidiot:** and stop putting it where it dosnt fucking belong

 **English_Gentleman:** I could say the same for you, honestly.

 **americanidiot:** did u just

 **English_Gentleman:** Yes. Now please tell me who you are so I can hunt you down and strangle you.

 **americanidiot:** kinky

 **English_Gentleman:** I am going to block you.

 **americanidiot:** aw, don’t be so mean, artiee

 **americanidiot:** u’ve got three guesses doll

 **English_Gentleman:** I’m going to go ahead and rule out Alfred.

 **americanidiot:** thank god

 **English_Gentleman:** Based off that reaction I’m going to go ahead and guess Allen.

 **americanidiot:** damn

 **americanidiot:** well arent u so good at guessing

 **English_Gentleman:** Of course I am. Sherlock didn’t come from me for nothing.

 **americanidiot:** makes me wonder what else u’re good at ;)

 **English_Gentleman:** No.

 **americanidiot** : wow

 **americanidiot:** i’m hurt, honestly

 **americanidiot:** u’ve hurt me

 **americanidiot:** i’m gonna go cry

 **English_Gentleman:** Please shut up.

 **americanidiot:** nah

 **English_Gentleman:** Are you done generally being a nuisance, I’m a bit busy at the moment.

 **americanidiot:** u have no social life so i find that hard to beleive

 **English_Gentleman:** *believe

 **americanidiot:** fuck you

 **English_Genltman:** I’d say fuck you too but you’d probably like that.

 **americanidiot:** yeah but not from you lmao

 **English_Gentleman:** Really? Because “what else u’re good at ;)” makes me think otherwise.

 **americanidiot:** ew u gross old man

 **americanidiot:** i thought u were busy, anyways

 **English_Gentleman:** I am. Now would you do me a favor and kindly fuck off.

 **americanidiot:** nah

 **English_Gentleman:** How annoying can you get?

 **americanidiot:** p annoying

 **Americanidiot:** i’m obnoxious and disliked

 **English_Gentleman:** Well, at least you know.

 **americanidiot:** why don’t u just block me then mr. empty threat

 

_-americanidiot has been blocked from messaging English_Gentleman.-_

 

 **americanidiot:** ….damn ok

 

 - _americanidiot has logged on with Herocomplex-_

 

 **americanidiot:** hey tell ur dad to unblock me

 **herocomplex:** Nah

 **herocomplex:** Also stop calling him my dad its weird

 **americanidiot:** nah

 **herocomplex:** seriously dude like can you not?

 **herocomplex:** thanks

 **americanidiot:** y

 **americanidiot:** do u have some weird daddy kink u don’t want me to know abt

 **herocomplex:** No!

 **herocomplex:** its just weird, ok

 **americanidiot:** are only u allowed to call him daddy

 **herocomplex:** do you ever shut up!!!

 **americanidiot:** nope, not really

 **herocomplex:** ugh

 **Herocomplex:** ok what if I was calling oliver your daddy wouldnt you be weirded out

 **Americanidiot:** yikes yeah I see where ur coming from

 **herocomplex:** whats so bad about oliver anyways

 **Herocomplex:** Im p sure iggy is worse

 **Americanidiot:** um

 **Americanidiot:** no??

 **americanidiot** : ok listen here u little fucker

 **americanidiot** : u think YOU have it bad with arthur???

 **americanidiot** : i swear to god oliver is fucking insane

 **americanidiot** : one time i went to his house. ONE TIME! and the little douchenozzle made food

 **americanidiot** : cupcakes, he said. cupcakes.

 **americanidiot** : so i take a bite of the cupcake and i say it's undercooked bc it’s all squiCHshy and shit

 **americanidiot** : i look inside the cupcake i shit you not it is BRIGHT MOTHERFUCKIGN RED ADBN I SWERE TO GOSD THE BASTEARD WES SMILING AT ME

 **americanidiot** : DONTR I MAKE THE BEST  CUPCAKES??? ? FOR A FUCKIGN CANANIBLE SURE

 **americanidiot** : I AWAS GONA N ASK HIM WHERE HE GOR T HIS UINGRDINTS

 **americanidiot** : BUT T HEN I RELAIZED I WOUWLD JUST GETT THE DIREVTUINS TO A FUC KIGN CEMETRYAERY

 **americanidiot** : I TWLL YOU O WAHAT

 **americanidiot** : I  KNOW IM FUCKGED UP

 **americanidiot** : AND HE IS THE FOGDANNM CASUE OJF THAT

 **herocomplex** : holy fucking shit allen

 **herocomplex** : you do realize it was probably red dye right

 **herocomplex** : and he was screwing with you or something

 **americanidiot** : you didn't TASTE it okay

 **americanidiot** : you didn't

 **americanidiot** : you

 **herocomplex:** right

 **herocomplex:** anyways

 **herocomplex:** now that were off the topic of you and your weird family lets talk about anything else

 **americanidiot:** if u insist

 **americanidiot:** wait, does my family not interest u

 **americanidiot:** are u too good for us??? is that it???

 **herocomplex:** um no

 **herocomplex:** you all just freak me out a little bit

 **herocomplex:** especially your canada

 **herocomplex:** hes fucking terrifying

 **americanidiot:** hey!!! leave james along ok he's trying

 **americanidiot:** u know what

 **americanidiot:** lets talk abt UR family. 

 **herocomplex:** ugh

 **herocomplex:** ok fine

 **americanidiot:** francis is daddy af tbh

 **herocomplex:** youre gross

 **herocomplex:** and I regret this

 **americanidiot:** well it’s the truth

 **hercomplex:** please stop lusting over my parental figures its fucking weird

 **americanidiot:** hey

 **americanidiot:** i’m not sayin i wanna bang him

 **herocomplex:** yes you are

 **americanidiot:** i’m just sayin hes fucking daddy af

 **americanidiot:** trust me i’m an expert

 **hercomplex:** that’s it Im kinkshaming

 **americanidiot:** shut the fuck ur mouth

 **** **americanidiot:** u wanna fucking fight me

 **herocomplex:** I could crush you, my bud.

 

 - _English_Gentleman has been added to the group chat.-_

 **americanidiot:** ok is francis daddy af or not

 

                                                                     _-English_Gentleman has left the group chat.-_

 **herocomplex:** LMAO

 **americanidiot:** fuck off

 **herocomplex:** YOU JUST GOT FUCKING DESTROYED

 **americanidiot:** not really

 **americanidiot:** it wasn’t even that bad…

 **herocomplex:** OH MY GOD

 **americanidiot:** ur really easily entertained, aren’t you al

 **herocomplex:** holy shit...Im fucking dead

 **americanidiot:** finally

 **americanidiot:** now i can finally take ur place

 **americanidiot:** and maybe our country can get someplace

 **americanidiot:** instead of being the texas of the world

 **herocomplex:** ouch

 **herocomplex:** stabbin the knife real deep now arent we, allie

 **americanidiot:** dont call me that

 **herocomplex:** what? Allie?

 **americanidiot:** yeah that

 **herocomplex:** aw, why not

 **americanidiot:** bc i asked u not to

 **herocomplex:** damn

 **herocomplex:** thats a shame, allie

 **americanidiot:** dont make me come over there, golden boy

 **herocomplex:** ohohoooo boy

 **herocomplex:** Im absolutely shaking in my boots

 **americanidiot:** dumbass

 **americanidiot:** the phrase is “quaking in my boots”

 **herocomplex:** Ive existed longer than you have

 **americanidiot:** no u havent

 **herocomplex:** shut up

 **herocomplex:** Im p sure I know what my own phrases are

 **** **americanidiot:** sure,if it helps u sleep at night

 **herocomplex:** pls, now youre gonna be telling me how to run the country

 **americanidiot:** we run the country together, asshole.

 **herocomplex:** sure, if it helps you sleep at night

 **americanidiot:** ohho boy

 **americanidiot:** u’d better fucking have ur doors locked, golden boy

 

_-americanidiot has disconnected-_

 

 **Herocomplex:** …..fuck


	2. Where the fuck is Alfred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh_Canada: .....
> 
> Oh_Canada: England.
> 
> Oh_Canada: That's the mayor of Colorado.
> 
> Oh_Canada: You aren't even in the right country.
> 
> Oh_Canada: Colorado is part of America
> 
> Oh_Canada: AKA not me

_-English_Gentleman have logged on with Herocomplex-_

**English_Gentleman** : Alfred, you didn't show up to the meeting, where are you?

 **English_Gentleman** : If this is some prank I'm going to kill you.

 **English_Gentleman** : I took notes for you, you ungrateful brat.

 **English_Gentlman** : Answer me.

 **English_Gentlman** : Fine. Ok. Be like that.

 **English_Gentleman** : Asshole.

_-English_Gentleman has logged off with Herocomplex-_

 

_-English_Gentleman has logged on with Oh_Canada-_

**English_Gentleman** : Hello, Matthew.

 **Oh_Canada** : Oh, hello Arthur

 **Oh_Canada** : Is something wrong?

 **English_Gentleman** : Why do you assume something's wrong?

 **Oh_Canada** : Because that's the only reason you ever chat me

 **English_Gentleman** : That is so untrue.

 **English_Gentleman** : How do you know I didn't just want to chat with my favourite Canadian?

 **Oh_Canada** : I'm the only Canadian you know :/

 **English_Gentleman** : I know plenty Canadians!

 **Oh_Canada** : Really?

 **Oh_Canada** : Name one famous Canadian.

 **Oh_Canada** : Hell, name my Prime Minister!

 **English_Gentleman** : That Michael Hancock guy.

 **Oh_Canada** : .....

 **Oh_Canada** : England.

 **Oh_Canada** : That's the mayor of Colorado.

 **Oh_Canada** : You aren't even in the right country.

 **Oh_Canada** : Colorado is part of America

 **Oh_Canada** : AKA not me

 **English_Gentleman** : Yes, on the topic of Alfred.

 **English_Gentleman** : Have you seen him anywhere today?

 **Oh_Canada** : No, not today :(

 **English_Gentleman** : Goddamnit.

 **Oh_Canada** : Why?

 **English_Gentleman** : He didn't show up to the meeting, remember?

 **Oh_Canada** : No, I wasn't there

 **English_Gentleman** : Excuse me?

 **Oh_Canada** : I didn't show up either, didn't think anyone would notice

 **Oh_Canada** : And I was right, eh?

 **English_Gentleman** : Um.

 **Oh_Canada** : Yeah, that's what I thought

 **Oh_Canada** : Anyways, did you try calling him?

 **English_Gentleman** : I did, and it went straight to voicemail.

 **Oh_Canada** : Well, when did you talk to him last?

 **English_Gentleman** : Yesterday, when his second player was bothering me.

 **Oh_Canada** : Allen?

 **Oh_Canada** : No offense, but why on Earth would he want to talk to you?

 **English_Gentleman** : I have no idea. He kept messaging me.

 **Oh_Canada** : Do you think maybe Allen has something to do with this?

 **English_Gentleman** : Oh motherfuck.

 **Oh_Canada** : How did you not figure that out before?

 **English_Gentleman** : Shut your Canadian mouth.

 **English_Gentleman** : Thank you, Matthew.

_-English_Gentleman has logged off with Oh_Canada-_

**Oh_Canada** : Yeah, anything to help.

  
_-English_Gentleman has unblocked americanidiot-_

 **americanidiot** : i'm flattered

 **English_Gentleman** : Where's Alfred?

 **americanidiot** : great to see u too, bud

 **English_Gentleman** : Where the hell is he?

 **americanidiot** : i'm doing awesome, thanks for asking

 **English_Gentleman** : Allen I swear.

 **americanidiot** : don't fucking swear

 **americanidiot** : it's un-gentlemanly

 **English_Gentleman** : Like you would know anything about being a gentleman.

 **americanidiot** : rude, bitch

 **English_Gentleman** : Allen. Tell me where Alfred is.

 **americanidiot** : still fucking asleep, probably

 **English_Gentleman** : Excuse me?

 **americanidiot** : still fucking asleep, probably

 **americanidiot** : he fucking passed out last night what a dick

 **English_Gentleman:** What did you do to him?

 **americanidiot** : nothing much

 **americanidiot** : u should be worried abt what he did to me

 **americanidiot** : i'm gonna have bruises on my hips for weeks jfc

 **English_Gentleman:** You didn't.

 **americanidiot** : what?

 **americanidiot** : all we did was wrestle

 **americanidiot:** on his bed

 **English_Gentleman:** Excuse me??

 **americanidiot** : did i stutter?

 **americanidiot:** he was really rough to me then fucking passed out can you believe this brat

 **English_Gentleman:** Allen I swear I'm going to snap your neck.

 **americanidiot** : oh wait

 **americanidiot** : he's waking up brb

_-americanidiot has logged off with English_Gentleman-_

_-English_Gentleman has logged on with WineRed-_

**English_Gentleman:** Francis, Allen and Alfred fucked.

 **WineRed:**  omg, seriously??

 **English_Gentleman:** Yes, I'm pretty sure. 

 **WineRed:** screenshot/pics or it didn't happen!

                                                                         - _English_Gentleman sent a file-_

 **WineRed:** aw, that's kinda cute~!

 **English_Gentleman:** No, it isn't, you filthy frog!

 **WineRed:** why not? I bet it's just because you hate love~

 **English_Gentleman:** Shut up, are you even thinking right now?

 **WineRed:** yes, I'm thinking plenty. none of them pure thoughts, though. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Ugh, you disgust me. 

 **WineRed:** I wonder what it's like to practically fuck yourself? 

 **WineRed:** well, you don't have to wonder, do you~?

 **English_Gentleman:** What the hell are you suggesting. 

 **WineRed:** all I'm saying is you and Oliver do seem to spend a lot of time together...

 **English_Gentleman:** No.

 **English_Gentleman:** No way in Hell.

 **English_Gentleman:** I wouldn't fuck him if he paid me. 

 **WineRed:**  if you say so

 **English_Gentleman:** If you really want to know what it's like to fuck yourself, why don't you go talk to Louis? 

 **WineRed:** because he smells like old, cheap wine and cigarette smoke

 **WineRed:** and Allen told me he's a really lazy fuckbuddy

 **English_Gentleman:** OK, back to Allen. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Look, I just don't want that filthy heathen anywhere near Alfred. 

 **English_Gentleman:** I really don't want Allen to influence him! 

 **WineRed: w** hy not? I think they'd balance each other out.

 **English_Gentleman:** Because Allen is generally a terrible person.

 **WineRed:** you don't know that! When was the last time you held a meaningful conversation with him?

 **English_Gentleman:** That isn't the point. 

 **WineRed:** and what is the point, then?

 **English_Gentleman:** The point is, the last time those two hung out outside of business, they both ended up bleeding and with broken bones. 

 **WineRed:** that's bias, for all you know they could hang out quite a lot. 

 **English_Gentleman:** I can't imagine Alfred willingly hanging out with Allen, honestly.

 **WineRed:** and I can't imagine you willingly talking to me, yet here we are~!

 **English_Gentleman:** Shut up. 

 **WineRed:** make me

 **English_Gentleman:** Ew, nevermind. 

 **WineRed:** I'm so going to ask Allen about details. 

 **English_Gentleman:** And then you two can be sluts together and fuck. 

 **WineRed:** you're just jealous because you aren't being included~

 **English_Gentleman:** No, thank you. 

 **WineRed:** please, you're constantly drooling over Allen, everyone can see it. 

 **English_Gentleman:** No, no I'm not.

 **English_Gentleman:** You just take everything as sexual. 

 **WineRed:** I do not! I can be just as serious as you. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Alright, if you say so. 

 **English_Gentleman:** OK, I'm gonna go. 

 **WineRed:** Bye~! 

 **WineRed:** Have fun with whatever, connard~ 

 **English_Gentleman:** Hope you step on a tack, monkey.  

                                                                         - _English_Gentleman has logged off with WineRed-_

 

                                                                         - _herocomplex_ _has logged on with English_Gentleman-_

 **herocomplex:**  yo, allen said you wanted to talk to me???

 **English_Gentleman:** Where on Earth have you been?

 **herocomplex:** sleeping

 **herocomplex:** well, trying to

 **herocomplex:** allen kept trying to wake me up

 **herocomplex:** what an asshole tbh

 **English_Gentleman:** And what on Earth are you doing hanging around him?

 **herocomplex:** well, iggy. we are basically the same person.

 **herocomplex:** were kinda expected to hang out sometimes

 **herocomplex:** well, more like he threatens to beat me up and I punch him in the stomach

 **herocomplex:** which hes weirdly turned on by

 **English_Gentleman:** Excuse me? 

 **herocomplex:** hes turned on by pain

 **English_Gentleman:** Ugh, I really don't want to know about Allen's kinks. 

 **herocomplex:** well, neither did i but fuckin whoops. 

 **English_Gentleman:** OK. Whatever. You know we had a meeting today, right? 

 **herocomplex:** a little bit

 **herocomplex:** but I was tired

 **herocomplex:** so I decided sleeping was more important

 **English_Gentleman:** And why, pray tell, were you so tired? 

 **herocomplex:** bc allen kept me up all night

 **English_Gentleman:** You know what?

 **English_Gentleman:** I regret asking. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Your sex life is none of my buisness, and I wish to keep it that way. 

 **herocomplex:** what???

 **herocomplex:** you think allen and I??????? holy fuck no

 **herocomplex:** he legit came over to beat me up, we ended up wrestling then playing super smash bros

 **herocomplex:** like, allen is hot and all but no thanks

 **English_Gentleman:**  Ok, thank God. 

 **herocomplex:** aw, do you want allen all to yourself~

 **English_Gentleman:** Nope. I just don't like you hanging out with him, is all. 

 **English_Gentleman:** He's a bad influence on you. 

 **herocomplex:** you aren't my mom

 **herocomplex:** Im gonna fuck allen now just to spite you

 **English_Gentleman:** Yeah, sure.

 **English_Gentleman:** I don't care. 

 **English_Gentleman:** I don't know why I was so worried in the first place. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Have fun, America. 

                                                                         - _English_Gentlema_ _has logged off with herocomplex-_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lot more words then I meant it to be lmao whoops.
> 
> me: *sifting through a large, disorderly stack of papers* where's the plot....plot....plot.....FUCK where the HELL did I put the plot.....


	3. Apologizing is harder then Allen thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> herocomplex: theres this thing right
> 
> herocomplex: idk if youve ever heard of it
> 
> herocomplex: but its called
> 
> herocomplex: ~apologizing~

                                                                   _-herocomplex has logged on with americanidiot-_

 **herocomplex:** arthur is pissed at me because of you

 **americanidiot:** cool story bro

 **americanidiot:** and when arent u two pissed at each other

 **americanidiot:** the second players talk abt it all the time

 **americanidiot:** it's like some kind of meme over here

 **herocomplex:** hey guess what

 **americanidiot:**?

 **herocomplex:** i coulndnt give a fuck if i tried 

 **americanidiot:** harsh

 **herocomplex:** he thinks we fucked 

 **americanidiot:** yeah, i know

 **americanidiot:** i may or may not have alluded to that 

 **herocomplex:** ugh, he really doesnt like you 

 **americanidiot:** really???

 **americanidiot:** i had nooOOOoo idea

 **herocomplex:** I felt that sarcasm from here

 **americanidiot:** good, u were meant to.

 **herocomplex:** anyways, go make arthur not be a dick

 **americanidiot:** and how am i supposed to do that

 **americanidiot:** the guy wont touch me with a 50tf pole 

 **herocomplex:** theres this thing right

 **herocomplex:** idk if youve ever heard of it

 **herocomplex:** but its called

 **herocomplex:** ~apologizing~ 

 **americanidiot:** ~but i've got nothing to apologize for~

 **herocomplex:** that sounds fake

 **herocomplex:** but ok

 **herocomplex:** just go apologize to him and get it over with

 **herocomplex:** it wont hurt your pride too much, will it, allie? 

 **americanidiot:** shut up. 

 **americanidiot:** and don't call me that 

 **americanidiot:** what do i even say

 **americanidiot:** hey arthur, sorry u cant take a fucking joke and then go on to blame it on alfred who did jack shit

 **herocomplex:** aw, are you angry for me?? 

 **americanidiot:** no, it's just that arthur should be angry at me

 **americanidiot:** not u 

 **herocomplex:** tbh it sounds like you want him to be angry at you

 **americanidiot:** well, thats usually the response i get from people

 **americanidiot:** so can u blame me? 

 **herocomplex:** I mean, I guess

 **herocomplex:** you gross masochist 

 **americanidiot:** i cant believe this

 **americanidiot:** u come into my house

 **americanidiot:** disrespect my kinks

 **americanidiot:** blame me for something that relies with u having shitty communication skills

 **americanidiot:** and then, worst of all

 **americanidiot:** tell me that i need to apologize?? 

 **americanidiot:** rudeness in it's finest form

 **herocomplex:** ugh

 **herocomplex:** are you done bc Ive got places to be

 **americanidiot:** oh i dont doubt it

 **herocomplex:** oh no

 **americanidiot:** u've got a v important date with ur left hand 

 **herocomplex:** this is why I dont talk to you 

 **americanidiot:** really, is that why?

 **americanidiot:** i just thought it was bc u thought i was a dick 

 **herocomplex:** well, that certainly is part of it

 **herocomplex:** ok but seriously Im meeting up with Bela in a few minutes ive gotta go 

 **americanidiot:** aw, leaving so soon~? 

 **herocomplex:** yeah

 **herocomplex:** go apologize to arthur while Im gone, please? 

 **americanidiot:** UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

 **americanidot:** fine

 **herocomplex:** thanks, allen

 **herocomplex:** I owe you one!!!!!

 **americanidiot:** yeah, whatever

 **americanidiot:** and i'm gonna hold you to that

                                                                   _-herocomplex has logged off with americanidiot-_

 **americanidiot:**  asshole

 

                                                                   _-americanidiot has logged on with mplewoods-_

 **americanidiot:**  howdy, dumbass!!

 **mplewoods:** what do you want, Allen? 

 **americanidiot:** wow, cutting right to the chase

 **americanidiot:** just like always, huh, james

 **mplewoods:** yeah.

 **mplewoods:** why? 

 **americanidiot:** no reason lmao!!! 

 **mplewoods:** right.

 **americanidiot:** so hows my best bby bro doin today!!

 **mplewoods:** I was better before you decided to bother me

 **americanidiot:** aw, you dont mean ittttt

 **mplewoods:** debateable

 **americanidiot:** ok ok i actually need your help w somethin

 **mplewoods:**  what do you want?

 **americanidiot:** ok so recently i kinda alluded to arthur that alfred and i fucked (but we didnt ok you can stop the jelousy train right there) and arthur is really upset bc if it and alfred wants me to apologize to him but FUCK idk how to apologize to people??? help 

 **mplewoods:** you're a fucking mess, y'know that

 **americanidiot:** shut up ok

 **americanidiot:** idk why i came to u 

 **americanidiot:** i knew u were just gonna make fun of me

 **mplewoods:** I can give out advice

 **mplewoods:** I'm gonna give you the best advice ever

 **americanidiot:** u've never done shit like this

 **americanidiot:** so i seriously doubt it

 **mplewoods:** and the reason you don't know how to apologize is because you never do

 **mplewoods:** apologize, I mean. 

 **mplewoods:** would it fucking hurt you to say sorry once in awhile? 

 **americanidiot:** it would hurt my pride, yes.

 **mplewoods:** shove your pride up your ass for a second and listen.

 **americanidiot:** damn ok

 **mplewoods:** you like to pretend that manners to apply to you for some reason. 

 **mplewoods:** which is a really shitty thing to do.

 **mplewoods:** do you know how many times you've been a dick and not apologized

 **mplewoods:** probably not because you're incompetent when it comes to simple shit like this

 **mplewoods:** it's legit the easiest thing to do to apologize and move on

 **mplewoods:** but you're above shit like that, yeah? 

 **americanidiot:** hold on, that's a little unfair! 

 **americanidiot:** i know when to apologize

 **americanidiot:** i just find it hard to do

 **mplewoods:** why? Because you're tripping on your pride?

 **americanidiot:** ugh, i have no idea why i came to you for help

 **americanidiot:** I kinda knew this was going to happen

 **mplewoods:** then why'd you ask for advice? 

 **americanidiot:** bc you know better than i do 

 **americanidiot:** and we both know it

 **mplewoods:** yeah, that's what I thought. 

 **mplewoods:** look, all you have to do is apologize for being disrespectful. 

 **americanidiot:** ughhhhh

 **americanidiot:** i don't wanna

 **mplewoods:** alright, then have Alfred be angry at you for who knows how long. 

 **americanidiot:** i can survive that!

 **mplewoods:** I really doubt it, remember last time I was angry at you?

 **mplewoods:** you stood outside my window and sang ballads at me until I forgave you

 **americanidiot:** yeah

 **americanidiot:** i did

 **americanidiot:** do u think that'd work for alfred or do i seriously have to apologize

 **mplewoods:** Allen, I think we both know the answer to that question

 **mplewoods:** Alfred can be more stubborn than you are, sometimes 

 **mplewoods:** I don't think some love ballad will change his mind

 **americanidiot:** so u're saying.....

 **americanidiot:** that i'll have to change his mind...

 **americanidiot:** somehow else ;) 

 **mplewoods:** yeah.

 **mplewoods:** by apologizing to Arthur. 

 **americanidiot:** UGHH

 **americanidiot:** i hate it when u're right

 **americanidiot:** and u're always right

 **mericanidiot:** my bby bro!!

 **americanidiot:** always knows shit better then i do!!

 **americanidiot:** could probably break my legs if he wanted to!!!! 

 **americanidiot:** aw, i love u 

 **mplewoods:** mhm

 **mplewoods:** if you say so

 **americanidiot:** u've gotta say it back

 **mplewoods:** no

 **americanidiot:** please????????????????????????????????????

 **mplewoods:** eugh

 **mplewoods:** I love you too. 

 **americanidiot:** now, was that so hard?

 **mplewoods:** very. 

 **mplewoods:** now go say sorry before I block you. 

 **americanidiot:** yeah, yeah, yeah. 

 

                                                                   _-americanidiot has logged off with mplewoods-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh ho boy I almost hit a writers block but I forced myself to write this I hope it isn't too bad. 
> 
> I've never written James before so idk if it's too OOC or what.
> 
> Comments make my day!!


	4. That sounds fake but OK.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> English_Gentleman: Well, you'd certainly look good on your knees. 
> 
> americanidiot: hol y ufck

                                      _-americanidiot has logged on with English_Gentleman-_

 **americanidiot:** after a long hard thinking session

 **americanidiot:** ft. alfred and james

 **americanidiot:** i have come to the conclusion that

 **americanidiot:** i may or may not

 **americanidiot:** have decided 

 **English_Gentleman:** Are you done?

 **americanidiot:** shut the fuck up do u want this apology or not

 **English_Gentleman:** You're so difficult. 

 **americanidiot:** really

 **americanidiot:** i had absolutely no idea

 **americanidiot:** look, my man

 **americanidiot:** i'm sorry 

 **English_Gentleman:** For what?

 **americanidiot:** i was getting to that!!!!!! 

 **English_Gentleman:** Sure. 

 **americanidiot:** i'm sorry for being like

 **americanidiot:** a dick to u 

 **americanidiot:** and generally being annoying

 **English_Gentleman:** I don't accept your apology. 

 **americanidiot:** r u shitting me

 **americanidiot:** i come up here

 **americanidiot:** with my heart on my sleeve 

 **americanidiot:** and muster up the courage 

 **americanidiot:** to APOLOGIZE to you

 **americanidiot:** and i get this?????

 **English_Gentleman:** Well, I know you don't really mean it.

 **americanidiot:** bullshit  

 **English_Gentleman:** Well, first of all.

 **English_Gentleman:**  You had to talk to Alfred and your heathen of a brother before talking to me.

 **English_Gentleman:** And if you really meant it, I'm sure you would have apologized sooner. 

 **americanidiot:** shut up u arent my mom

 **americanidiot:** i said sorry 

 **americanidiot:** that should be enough for u??

 **americanidiot:** fucking stuck up prick

 **English_Gentleman:** Insulting me isn't going to grant you my forgiveness.

 **americanidiot:** ugh

 **americanidiot:** then what will, huh??

 **americanidiot:** do i have to like

 **americanidiot:** get on my knees and beg for forgiveness

 **americanidiot:** actually that might be kinda hot

 **English_Gentleman:** Well, you'd certainly look good on your knees. 

 **americanidiot:** hol y ufck

 **americanidiot:** are u suggesting what i think ur suggesting

 **americanidiot:** bc if so i'm so down for it tbh

 **English_Gentleman:** I mean, it was said as a joke. 

 **americanidiot:** BUT???

 **English_Gentleman:** There's no but. 

 **English_Gentleman:** I said it as a joke, and that's what it's meant to be. 

 **americanidiot:** damnit

 **americanidiot:** u got my hopes up for nothin

 **americanidiot:** also u make rly shitty jokes

 **English_Gentleman:** I can almost guarantee they're better than whatever you can spew out. 

 **americanidiot:** that sounds fake 

 **americanidiot:** wait no scratch that

 **americanidiot:** that is fake

                                                                    _-mplewoods has been added to the group chat-_

 

 **americanidiot:** james tell this stuffy douche that my jokes are hilarious

 **americanidiot:** and probably better then his

 **mplewoods:** Well, considering that your whole life is a joke

 **mplewoods:** I'm pretty sure yours are better

 **mplewoods:** And I thought you were here to apologize??

 **americanidiot:** i did!!

 **americanidiot:** and he didn't accept it!!

 **English_Gentleman:** With good reason. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Hold on, I don't feel safe being the only first player here.

                                                                _-RussianSunflower has been added to the group chat-_

                                                                  _-herocomplex has been added to the group chat-_

 **americanidiot:**  russiansunflower?

 **americanidiot:** ew

 **americanidiot:** what kinda username is that

 **RussianSunflower:** Well, Some People Like To Keep True To Their Usernames!

 **RussianSunflower:** And I Think Your Username Fits You Perfectly (*^▽^*).

 **English_Gentleman:** Holy shit. 

 **herocomplex:** SLAM DUNKED

 **mplewoods:** oof

 **mplewoods:** I felt that one from over here

 **americanidiot:**....fuck

 **mplewoods:** got no comeback, huh

 **americanidiot:** shut the fuck off 

 **americanidiot:** u aren't my mom

 **mplewoods:** no, I'm not.

 **mplewoods:** but you know who is.

 **americanidiot:** james i swear don't you fucking 

 **mplewoods:** how about I do

 **mplewoods:** ~anyway~

 **herocomplex:** No

 **herocomplex:** take your memes and leave

 **americanidiot:** Can you maybe chill? 

 **RussianSunflower:** How About Maybe You Chill. 

 **English_Gentleman:** (Kind of scared of Russia.) 

 **herocomplex:** ok that's it if one more person memes Im banning them

 **americanidiot:** i came out here to have a good time and honestly i'm feeling so attacked right now

 **herocomplex:** you get one free meme pass bc you apologized to arthur

 **americanidiot:** ahaha,,,,

 **americanidiot:** about that,,,,,

 **herocomplex:** what? 

 **herocomplex:** did you not apologize

 **English_Gentleman:** No, he did.

 **English_Gentleman:** It was just shitty and half-assed. 

 **mplewoods:** like everything else he does.  

 **americanidiot:** damn

 **americanidiot:** everybodys rippin on me today

 **americanidiot:** is it national bully allen day

 **americanidiot:** bc i've got you guys covered tbh

 **herocomplex:** look around, look around 

 **americanidiot:** at how lucky we are to be alive right now

 **herocomplex:** hiSTORY IS HAPPENIN IN MANHATTAN

 **americanidiot:** AND WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE

 **herocomplex:** IN THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD

 **americanidiot:** THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD

 **English_Gentleman:** Did you guys seriously just spit a verse.

 **RussianSunflower:** Cute!

 **americanidiot:** anyways

 **americanidiot:** he said he'd only accept my apology if i got on my knees and begged for forgiveness

 **americanidiot:** and there's no way in hell or hogwarts i'm doing that

 **mplewoods:** wait what

 **English_Gentleman:** I did not say that.

 **English_Gentleman:** I can't believe you're spreading lies about me on the internet. 

 **americanidiot:** um

 **americanidiot:** i have proof sweaty :) 

                                                                    _americanidiot sent a screenshot: **imsonotstraight.png**_

 **herocomplex:** Why did you screenshot that. 

 **americanidiot:** ;3c

 **RussianSunflower:** Um. 

 **RussianSunflower:** I'm Uncomfortable With This Topic. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Really?

 **English_Gentleman:** That certainly wasn't your opinion last night. 

 **herocomplex:** UM 

 **herocomplex:** IM STILL HERE PLS STOP TALKING ABT YOUR SEX LIFE NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT

 **herocomplex:** YOU KNOW WHAT DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES IM CALLING IN IGGY 2.0

 

                                                              _-SpacePrince has been added to the group chat-_

 **mplewoods:** oh god no

 **English_Gentleman:** Ugh.

 **americanidiot:** DO U KNOW WHAT U HAVE DONE

 **RussianSunflower:** Oh No.

 **SpacePrince:** Hello everybody!!!!!!!! What's all the fuss about~~??? :DD

 **americanidiot:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA     

                                                               _-americanidiot has changed the chat room name to Team Hellspawn-_

 **SpacePrince:** Rude DD: 

 **herocomplex:** yeah Allie dont be so rude to your daddy >:3c

 **americanidiot:** HE ISNT MY DADDY

 **americanidiot:** I (sadly) DON"T HAVE A DADDY

 **SpacePrince:**???? I was under the impression I was??? xD

 **mplewoods:** holy shit stop

 **americanidiot:** OIAUBDIBFHDJOISLJBFHDK

 **americanidiot:** IM UNCOMFORTABLE

 **SpacePrince:** Hi uncomfortable I'm daddy!!!!!!! X3

 **americanidiot:** STOP USING THOSE EMOJIS

 **English_Gentleman:** How does anyone put up with this. 

 **herocomplex:** hey he gave me chocolate once hes pretty cool 

 **americanidiot:** HO HO BOY DID I NOT TELL U THE CUPCAKE STORY OR DID U COMPLETELY IGNORE ME??

 **herocomplex:** I ignored you lmao

 **SpacePrince:** wait what cupcake story?? ://

 **americanidiot:** NOTHING 

 **americanidiot:** HAHHHAAAHA 

 **americanidiot:** DON'T WORRY ABOU T IT MY CHUM 

 **herocomplex:** what????

 **herocomplex:** horton hears a bitch ass liar???

                                                                                _-americanidiot has banned herocomplex from Team Hellspawn-_

 **americanidiot:** lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oliver doesn't know abt daddy kinks


	5. Alfred is an angry bisexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh_Canada: Do I get a say in this? 
> 
> herocomplex: NO
> 
> americanidiot: no

**mplewoods:** That was completely unnecessary

 **americanidiot:** YOU"RE completely unnecessary 

 **mplewoods:** Allen, you're like 2cm tall I could step on you

 **americanidiot:** I WILL STRANGLE YOU

 **mplewoods:** you cant reach 

 **americanidiot:** WELL U"VE SUNK LOW ENOUGH FOR ME TO REACH 

 **SpacePrince:** Boys!!!! 

 **SpacePrince:** Stop being so mean to each other :((( and unban Alfred, please!!

 **americanidiot:** ew

 **americanidiot:** i can't believe you guys are all buddy-buddy and shit

 **americanidiot:** it's gross

 **English_Gentleman:** For once, I'm agreeing with Allen. 

 **americanidiot:** (swoons) 

 **Engish_Gentleman:** Ew, nevermind. 

 **SpacePrince:** Why don't we all get along maybe~??? 

 **SpacePrince:** And we can all have a picnic together and eat sweets :0!!

 **SpacePrince:** It'll be absolutely splendid x3c

 **americanidiot:** bruh

 **americanidiot:** imma lose my shit if u try to feed me one of those nasty ass cupcakes 

 **SpacePrince:** Oh!

 **SpacePrince:** I just thought you would be a little peckish considering you're on the verge of being morbidly obese~!

 **SpacePrince:** I know your "ghetto" background limited you to a very poor vocabulary but that does not stop you from acting slightly civilised rather than behaving like the neighborhoods cheap hooker!!!!!

 **SpacePrince:** Next time use your manners, please :DD 

 **mplewoods:** lmao ouch 

 **americanidiot:** fuck

                                                                            _-americanidiot has left Team Hellspawn-_

 **English_Gentleman:**  Finally. 

                                                                          _-americanidiot has joined Team Hellspawn-_

- _herocomplex has been added to Team Hellspawn-_

 **English_Gentleman:** Damnit. 

 **herocomplex:**  hello,,,,,,

 **herocomplex:** is it me youre lookin for,,,,

 **americanidiot:** surprise bitch 

 **americanidiot:** bet you thought you'd seen the last of me 

 **SpacePrince:** Please refrain from calling me a bitch!!!

 **americanidiot:** ur not my mom oliver

 **americanidiot:** also @arthur why must u always reject my advances

 **English_Gentleman:** Because you're gross. 

 **herocomplex:** fuck me

 **herocomplex:** wAIT

 **herocomplex:** NO

 **herocomplex:** FUCK

 **herocomplex:** ME

 **hercomplex:** LIKE

 **herocomplex:** SEPERATE

 **herocomplex:** LIKE FUCK THATS ME

 **americanidiot:** alfred

 **americanidiot:** alfred we know

 **americanidiot:** u're gay

 **americanidiot:** we know  
  
**herocomplex:** SHUT UP I MADE A MISTAKE

 **americanidiot:** its ok

 **americanidiot:** embrace urself

 **herocomplex:** I DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THAT THE WAY IT CAME OUT

 **americanidiot:** _;)_

 **americanidiot:** OH MY GOD

 **americanidiot:** _( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

 **herocomplex:** ALLEN STOP 

**_herocomplex: ALLEN_ **

**americanidiot: it ok** _(͡_ _° ͜_ ʖ ͡°) (͡ **° ͜** ** _ʖ ͡_** _°_ _) (͡°_ **͜ʖ ͡°) (͡°** ͜ʖ ͡°) to   **b** ** _(͡° ͜ʖ ͡_** **°)**  (͡° ͜ʖ **͡°)e** ** _g_** _A_ y _(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°_ ) (͡° ͜ʖ ** _͡°)_** _(͡_ _° ͜ʖ ͡°_ ) (͡° ͜ʖ **͡°)**

 **mplewoods:** Allen I think we need to hold an intervention for Alfred.

 **americanidiot:** definitely 

 **americanidiot:** i think that's the only way to help his problem

 **americanidiot:** his GAY problem 

 **herocomplex:** WELL THIS HAS GONE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PEAR-SHAPED

 **herocomplex:** ARTHUR THERES ONLY ONE OTHER WAY OUTTA THIS

 **herocomplex:** YOURE GONNA HAVE TO DECAPITATE ME

 **English_Gentleman:** This is nonsense. 

 **americanidiot:** alfred i've been watching you for a while

 **herocomplex:** stalker

 **americanidiot:** shut up let me finish

 **herocomplex:** allen its okay

 **herocomplex:** some men just have a hard time finishing

 **SpacePrince:** >.<!!!!!

 **mplewoods:** yikes

 **americanidiot:** ANYWAYS

                                                                                _-Oh_Canada has been added to Team Hellspawn-_

 **americanidiot:** Mattie ur brother has a problem

 **Oh_Canada:** I know, yeah. 

 **herocomplex:** UM EXCUSE ME

 **herocomplex:** ONE, ONLY IM ALLOWED TO CALL HIM MATTIE

 **herocomplex:** AND TWO MATTIE YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE 

 **americanidiot:** shut the fuck up i can call mattie whatever i want to

 **Oh_Canada:** Do I get a say in this? 

 **herocomplex:** NO

 **americanidiot:** no 

 **Oh_Canada:** Oh

 **herocomplex:** LOOK IM HIS BIG BRO ONLY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CALL HIM THAT

 **americanidiot:** hey alfred do u need a straw

 **herocomplex:** WHY WOULD I NEED A STRAW???

 **americanidiot:** so u can suck my entire ass

 **Oh_Canada:** Yikes

 **mplewoods:** ^^^^^ 

 **herocomplex:** WOW

 **herocomplex:** ARE YALL JUST GONNA LET ALLEN BULLY ME LIKE THIS 

 **Oh_Canada:** Yeah

 **mplewoods:** sure

 **English_Gentleman:** Why not? 

 **RussianSunflower:** Absolutely

 **herocomplex:** BYE 

 **SpacePrince:** Please try to keep this chat a happy and loving environment!!!! <3333

 **herocomplex:** how can this be a HAPPY and LOVING environment when ALLEN IS HERE

 **SpacePrince:** :00

 **mplewoods:** oh my god 

 **Oh_Canada:** Alfred! 

 **americanidiot:** WHAT THE FUCK????

 **americanidiot:** im so upset wow

 **americanidiot:** u're so mean to me             

 **americanidiot:** james tell alfred to stop bullying me 

 **mplewoods:** nah that was kinda funny

 **americanidiot:** X CUSE ME

 **americanidiot:** BETRAYED BY MY OWN BROTHER CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE THIS

 **English_Gentleman:** Totally.      

 **Oh_Canada:** You get used to it (Not Delivered)        

 **herocomplex:** GET OVER YOURSELF JEEZ

 **RussianSunflower:** I Don't Think You're One To Talk, Alfred. (✿´ ꒳ ` )

 **English_Gentleman:** Wow. 

 **herocomplex:** (ง •̀_•́)ง

 **americanidiot:** this chat is a mess

 **SpacePrince:** Pretty much x3

 **herocomplex:** FUCK I JUST DROPPED MY HAMBURGER

 **mplewoods:** haha lmao 

                                                                                 _-hercomplex sent fuckeverything.png-_

 **herocomplex:** WHERE DID I GO WRONG

 **hercomplex:** I LOST A FRIEND

 **hercomplex:** SOEM OTHER LYICS I GUESS

 **herocomplex:** IM SERIOUSLY SO UPSET BY THIS  

 **americanidiot:** ew hamburgers are gross

 **herocomplex:** SAY THAT TO MY FUCKING FACE 

 **herocomplex:** GODDAMN CABBAGE PATCH KID

 **americanidiot:** oh no

 **americanidiot:** i'm terrified 

 **Oh_Canada:** Alfred do you need me to add your boyfriend into the chat to help calm you down? 

 **americanidiot:** but i'm already here

 **SpacePrince:** I thought I was already in the chat???? :3? 

 **herocomplex:** wait what 

 **Oh_Canada:** whoops

 **americanidiot:** alfred i can't believe u've been cheating on me

 **herocomplex:** um

 **herocomplex:** Im not dating either of you??? 

 **SpacePrince:** You lied to me :'((

 **americanidiot:** im so HURT right now

 **SpacePrince:** and with HIM????????

 **SpacePrince:** I don't think I can ever trust you again, Alfred...

 **herocomplex:** Im so confused Im not dating either of you?????!!??!?!?!

 **americanidiot:** well NOW you aren't 

 **RussianSunflower:** Wait, Hold On. 

 **RussianSunflower:** I Thought You Were Dating Nataliya? 

 **English_Gentleman:** What a predicament you've gotten yourself into, Alfred. 

 **herocomplex:** wait wait no Im not dating anyone?????????!!!!??!?!? 

 **americanidiot:** are you KIDDING

 **americanidiot:** THREE PEOPLE 

 **herocomplex:** ALLEN CALM DOWN IM NOT DATING ANY OF YOU GUYS 

 **americanidiot:** I DONT WANT TO HEAR UR LIES ANYMORE

 **SpacePrince:** ;-;

 **herocomplex:** IF YOU TWO DONT CUT THE CRAP IM LEAVING THE CHAT 

 **americanidiot:** harsh

 **SpacePrince:** It was just a joke, Alfred!!!!!! XD

 **herocomplex:** dude

 **herocomplex:** you and allen would be terrifying on april fools day 

 **mplewoods:** oh god don't even get me started

 **americanidiot:** >:3c 

 **herocomplex:** Spill

 **mplewoods:** they once convinced everyone that allen had died

 **herocomplex:** I wish 

 **americanidiot:** bruh

 **mplewoods:** don't we all

 **americanidiot:** BRUH 

 **English_Gentleman:** Well this is a disaster. 

 **SpacePrince:** haha, yeah xP     

 **English_Gentleman:** Hush. 

 **English_Gentleman:** You act like a child, I don't think you should get a say

 **herocomplex:** HEY  

 **herocomplex:** be nice to ollie thx 

 **English_Gentleman:** No.

 **SpacePrince:** DD:  

 **americanidiot:** LMAO  

 **herocomplex:** how come yall are so mean to ollie omg  

 **americanidiot:** one: he's shittt parent

 **mplewoods:**  not as bad as Louis tbh

 **americanidiot:** youre biased 

 **mplewoods:** well so are you

 **English_Gentleman:** Louis is second player Francis? 

 **mplewoods:** yeah and he sucks

 **Oh_Canada:** I find it kind of hard to believe that someone french can suck so much? 

 **English_Gentleman:** HA.

 **americanidiot:** shut up and let me finish my rant abt this pink nightmare

 **SpacePrince:**  can I change my username to that :000

 **americanidiot:**  SEE EVEN HE ADMITS IT

 **SpacePrince:**  no it's just catchy >.< 

 **americanidiot:** two: WHAT THE HELL DOES HE PUT IN HIS FOOD 

 **English_Gentleman:** So is his cooking worse then mine? 

 **herocomplex:** impossible

 **americanidiot:** idk i've never had ur cooking  

 **herocomplex:** run

 **americanidiot:** pfffttt

 **americanidiot:** it can't be THAT bad 

 **English_Gentleman:** It isn't.  

 **English_Gentleman:** They just insist on being overdramatic children.  

 **americanidiot:** u kno what 

 **RussianSunflower:** Oh No

 **americanidiot:** i think ILL be the judge of that 

 **English_Gentleman:** Are you sure?

 **americanidiot:** sure 

 **americanidiot:** why not my man 

 **herocomplex:** Allen do you know what youre getting yourself into 

 **americanidiot:** smthin u WEAKLINGS cant handle 

 **English_Gentleman:** Pleasant. 

 **americanidiot:** ugh stop saying things 

 **English_Gentleman:** Rude.  

 **English_Gentleman:** I'll make something for you, just stop by later. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Alright?

 **americanidiot:** eyyy kay 

 **Oh_Canada:** Ten bucks say they bang. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Matthew you'd better stop that train of thought in it's tracks. 

 **Oh_Canada:** You aren't my mom

 **English_Gentleman:** I'd threaten adding Francis to the chat but I'd rather not associate with him. 

 **Oh_Canada:** Why not, still getting over your one-night stand (Not Delivered) 

 **herocomplex:** HOLD ON A SECOND

 **Oh_Canada:**?

 **herocomplex:** ID LIKE TO BET AGAINST THAT 

 **herocomplex:** cause

 **herocomplex:** they dont even LIKE each other

 **RussianSunflower:** I'm Pretty Sure Arthur Likes Me Better Than Whatever Allen Is (‘∀’●)♡

 **herocomplex:** yikes! yikes! yikes! 

 **herocomplex:** you guys are gross 

 **herocomplex:** get out of my house

 **americanidiot:** wait did you just say "whatever allen is"

 **RussianSunflower:** Yes

 **RussianSunflower:** Because You're Obviously Not Normal  

 **mplewoods:** holy shit

 **americanidiot:** damn 

 **americanidiot:** stop allen hate 2k16

 **herocomplex:** NAH 

 **herocomplex:** sorry sweaty youre just too easy to hate 

 **English_Gentleman:** *sweetie 

 **herocomplex:** Ummmm 

 **herocomplex:** no :)  

 **herocomplex:** its SWEATY 

 **English_Gentleman:** Whatever. 

 **americanidiot:** hey @arthur open your door

 **English_Gentleman:** Pardon?

 **americanidiot:** cmon babe i've been out here for the past three minutes

 **americanidiot:** it's fuking raining

 **English_Gentleman:** How on Earth did you get here so fast? 

 **americanidiot:** i have my ways 

 **English_Gentleman:** Jesus. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Alright, I'll be right there. 

 **herocomplex:** rip allen

 **americanidot:** watch me fuckin destroy this

 **americanidiort:** it'll be like the goddamn moon landing

 **americanidiot:** except idk i'll just be eating food

 **americanidiot:** so yeah brb i guess

 **Oh_Canada:** I can't believe Allen is fucking dead

 **SpacePrince:** oh dear :-(

 **herocomplex:** MATTIE

 **Oh_Canada:** wha

 **herocomplex:** DON'T FUCKING SWEAR

 **Oh_Canada:**????????????

 **Oh_Canada:** fuck you maybe???????? 

 **mplewoods:** :') I'm so proud  

 **Oh_Canada:** let me live my life okay

 **herocomplex:** I can't believe my own brother is a GODDAMN emo

 **Oh_Canada:** are you sure you aren't looking in a mirror

 **herocomplex:** >:00 

 **herocomplex:**  why are you being so meannn

 **Oh_Canada:** well Allen is off dying + Arthur is there too

 **Oh_Canada:** so I gotta take their place right 

 **Oh_Canada:** is this how things work??? 

 **SpacePrince:** Maybe we should all NOT be mean to each other that sounds like a pretty good plan!!!! 

 **Oh_Canada:** y'know I kinda like this one ^^^^ 

 **herocomplex:** RIGHT  

 **herocomplex:** hes a goddamn ray of sunshine its perfect

 **SpacePrince:** awww <333333

 **RussianSunflower:** Eh 

 **RussianSunflower:** I'm Not Sure

 **herocomplex:** stfu you just want an excuse to argue w me 

 **RussianSunflower:** Maybe 

 **herocomplex:** russiansunflower more like russianSINflower 

 **mplewoods:** haha burn 

 **RussianSunflower:** Fuck You!

 **herocomplex:** ew no

 **herocomplex:** youd probably like that fucking you commie bastard 

 **RussianSunflower:** I Haven't Been A Communist State In Over 40 Years

 **herocomplex:** WHATEVER

 **mplewoods:** you guys are hella gay 

 **herocomplex:** m not gay!!!!!!!!!!!

 **herocomplex:** esp not for that gross russian???? no thanks 

 **mplewoods:** uhuh

 **mplewoods:** whatever you say, sweaty

 **herocomplex:** Ill have you know that I am BI and ANGRY 

 **Oh_Canada:** Relatable  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took me an entire month to write


	6. mey-mey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knifelife: you're the ugliest meme I've ever seen so you NEED that beauty rest honey  
> americanidiot: SAVAGE

                                                                       _-americanidiot has entered the group chat Fucked Up Club-_

 **americanidiot:** question

 **americanidiot:** how do u act like u're not dying 

 **SpacePrince:** Oh dear, do you need me to call an ambulance???? 

 **edgysurlebut:** allen what'd you do this time

 **americanidiot:** that

 **americanidiot:** that isn't important

 **americanidiot:** what is important is pretending i'm not dying when i am, in fact, dying

 **mplewoods:** lmao was it that english guy's cooking

 **americanidiot:** NO 

 **americanidiot:** IT WASN'T FUCK YOU 

 **SpacePrince:** DD:

 **americanidiot:** also what do you mean 'this time' i'm not terrible

 **mplewoods:** maybe if you keep telling yourself that it'll come true

 **americanidiot:** fuck you omg

 **mplewoods:** nah

 **americanidiot:** anyways back on topic

 **edgysurlebut** : hey nobody really cares about whatever this is

 **SpacePrince:** I CARE!!!

 **americanidiot:** see ollie'll always have my back

 **americanidiot:** UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

 **americanidiot:** right okay arthur is the worst 

 **americanidiot:** like please stop yelling at me i'm trying to compliment your cat jfc

 **americanidiot:** uHM HOLD ON HE JUST INSULTED ME FOR BEING ON MY PHONE I GOTTA FUCK ME UP A BITCH

 **SpacePrince:** ALLEN

 **SpacePrince:** Why on Earth are you so violent?????

 **americanidiot:**.....because i can.......

 **SpacePrince:** Y'know what

 **SpacePrince:** repeat after me

 **SpacePrince:** Just because I CAN say something, doesn't mean I SHOULD

 **americanidiot:** THAT'S DUMB

 **SpacePrince:** SAY IT

 **americanidiot:** NO, FUCK U

 **Spaceprince:** say it!!!

 **americanidiot:** UGH

 **americanidiot:** just bc i CAN say something, doesn't mean i SHOULD

 **SpacePrince:** good :DDD <3333!!!!!!

 **americanidiot:** OKAY NOW BYE I'M GETTING YELLED AT AGAIN

 **mplewoods:** please don't get yourself killed

 **mplewoods:** funerals cost a fortune these days

 **SpacePrince:** Oh!! I have

 **SpacePrince:** A joke >:3c

 **edgysurlebut:** oh no

 **SpacePrince:** okay what!! what do maids put on the prime ministers pillow???

 **SpacePrince:**.........

 **SpacePrince:** GOVERN-MINTS :DDD

 **edgysurlebut:** O h no

 **SpacePrince:** :DDDDDDD

 **edgysurlebut:** grosS

                                                                                _-americanidiot has entered Team Hellspawn-_    

                                                                          - _edgysurlebut has been added to Team Hellspawn-_

- _WineRed has been added to Team Hellspawn-_

 **mplewoods:** eugh

 **English_Gentleman:** I just avoided pissing because Allen was in the hallway Jesus Christ.

 **herocomplex:** tmi old man

 **Oh_Canada:** Oh dear :?

 **English_Gentleman:** No hold on. 

 **English_Gentleman:** Okay so I get into the bathroom and I feel like I've got something on my back, so I go to check it out. Right as Allen steps out into the hallway and my thoughts are, of course, "Shit. I've already been in here for long enough. And if I'm in here any longer he'll wonder why I'm taking so long," and so I pull my shirt back on without even pissing.I flush the toilet, wash my hands and leave the bathroom.

 **English_Gentleman:** I still have to piss.

 **English_Gentleman:**  Do you guys understand my predicament.

 **herocomplex:** YEAH YEAH I GET THAT

 **mplewoods:** rip

 **herocomplex:** rest in piss

 **herocomplex:** rest in piss: when you see That Person

 **English_Gentleman:** FRANCPISS

 **English_Gentleman:** I'm so funny that's hilarious.

 **WineRed:** That's so mean!

 **herocomplex:** FRANCPISS IS A HILARIOUS NAME FOR HIM HOLY SHIT !!!!!!!!

 **English_Gentleman:** Ha!

 **English_Gentleman:** At least someone around here appreciates my humour! I'm going to do stand-up comedy I'm hilarious. 

 **herocomplex:** nvm youre more like

 **herocomplex:** arthur LAMEland or something

 **herocomplex:** I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING FcUCK

 **americanidiot:** ARTHUR KIRK _BLAND_

 **herocomplex:** HAHAHAHAHHA

 **WineRed:** ALL OF YOU ARE CHILDREN!

 **americanidiot:** ARTHUR KIRKBLAND ARTHUR KIRKBLAND

 **English_Gentleman:** GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

 **americanidiot:** NEVER! FUCK YOU

 **herocomplex:** ARTHUR KIRKBLAND IS A GREAT NAME FOR YOU

 **English_Gentleman:** I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND THIS IS HOW I'M REPAID. 

 **SpacePrince:** Sweaty.....

 **Oh_Canada:** That sounds like a big bowl of fake

 **americanidiot:** babe that sounds so fake its about as real as Kim Kardashians tan 

 **SpacePrince:** Allen!

 **SpacePrince:** what did we talk about? 

 **americanidiot:** DEEP SIGH

 **americanidiot:** just bc i CAN say something doesn't mean that i SHOULD

 **herocomplex:** holy shit do you have to say that a lot

 **americanidiot:** no he just started hounding me about it today

 **mplewoods:** bc you have no chill whatsoever 

 **RussianSunflower:** Alfred Should Have Something Like That For Himself!

 **herocomplex:** SHUT THE FUCK UP COMMIE

 **English_Gentleman:** Allen? More like Allsin.

 **americanidiot:** THAT'S NOT EVEN GOOD

 **English_Gentleman:** SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M FUNNY. 

 **edgysurlebut:** ALLSIN ??? YOU COULD HAVE GONE FOR ALLOSER OR SOMETHING,,, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. FUCK I'M EVEN TELLING YOU THIS AND MY SENSE OF HUMOUR IS DULL AS CARDBOARD

 **americanidiot:** KIRKBLAND

 **English_Gentleman:** I can't believe this....slandered in my own home.

 **americanidiot:** then get out of ur home

 **English_Gentleman:** NO IT'S MY HOUSE.

 **americanidiot:** not pictured: me petting arthur's cat in the living room while he's actually screeching @ me

 **English_Gentleman:** Stop petting my cat!

 **herocomplex:** hold on I wanna pet the kitty too

 **English_Gentleman:** NO!

 **herocomplex:** WHY NOT

 **English_Gentleman:** Because Allen is bad enough!

 **herocomplex:** FINE

 **herocomplex:** ILL JUST BUY MY OWN DAMN CAT

 **americanidiot:** tbh alfred how do u afford all this shit wtf can u even take care of the dog u have

 **herocomplex:** oh, I put my money in b.o.f.a

 **SpacePrince:** D o n ' t.

 **RussianSunflower:** What's Bofa? Bank Of America? 

 **herocomplex:** bofa DEEZ NUTS

 **americanidiot:** i'm......so proud......

 **edgysurlebut:** this is why I don't hang around any of you

 **RussianSunflower:** I Don't Get It... 

 **edgysurlebut:** siri how do I leave a group chat

 **Oh_Canada:** omg you don't know how to leave a group chat :O

 **edgysurlebut:** no

 **Oh_Canada:** okay so you see the three bars in the upper left corner? 

                                                                                _-Oh_Canada has been banned from Team Hellspawn-_  

 **SpacePrince:** If I have to suffer here so do you, Louis :DD

 **americanidiot:** SEE!!!!!!!!! PINK NIGHTMARE RIGHT HERE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN 

                                                                                _-Oh_Canada has been added to Team Hellspawn-_

 **herocomplex:**  hey who wants to come over my house 

 **herocomplex:** (this is an invite for everyone EXCEPT Ivan)

 **americanidiot:** only if we can watch lemonade  

 **herocomplex:** sure

 **RussianSunflower:** At Least Invite Natalya 

 **herocomplex:** if she attempts to murder me Im never talking to you again

 **SpacePrince:** Can I come? :3?

 **herocomplex:** hell yeah my dude 

 **herocomplex:** okay you all know where I live Im gonna make popcorn and shit 

 **herocomplex:** see ya 

                                                                                                                   --------

 **SpacePrince:** GUYS GUYS GUYS

 **mplewoods:** wha

 **SpacePrince:** ALFRED! IS! SICK! 

 **herocomplex:** no m not

 **SpacePrince:** THEN WHY'D YOU SAY YOU ARE

 **herocomplelx:** bc I am

 **herocomplex:** as in Im rly cool

 **mplewoods:** why are you guys up at this hour

 **americanidiot:** BC ALIENS EXIST AND THE GOVERNMENT IS HIDING IT FROM US

 **Oh_Canada:** we're marathoning the x-files :00

                                                                                 _-Kifelife has been added to Team Hellspawn-_

 **Knifelife:**  I'm here too

 **mplewoods:** who the ufcking

 **Knifelife:** me the ufckiing

 **herocomplex:** this is Natalya!!! be nice to her!!!

 **Knifelife:** hi I like rock and roll and could probably kill half of you in three seconds

 **herocomplex:** NAT THAT ISN'T HOW YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF

 **Knifelife:** FUCK YOU YOU AREN'T MY MOM

 **herocomplex** :  nat pls chill

 **Knifelife** : I burn with the rage of a thousand suns. Death may not be possible for us nations, but I swear that if you ever tell me to "chill" one more time I will make you wish we were mortal.

 **herocomplex** : DOMESTIC ABUSE IS NOT COOL

 **Knifelife** : SHUT YOUR FUCKING TRAP

 **herocomplex** : BDSM IS ICKY AND EMBARRASSING STOP INSINUATING THINGS

 **Knifelife** : YOURE THE EMBARRASSING ONE YOU CHILD!!

 **English_Gentlemen: **  Hey it's four in the goddamn morning some of us with normal sleep schedules are trying to get some rest.

 **Knifelife: **  you're the ugliest meme I've ever seen so you NEED that beauty rest honey

 **americanidiot: **  SAVAGE 

** English_Gentleman: **  I'm going back to sleep. 

** WineRed: **  Hey. 

** English_Gentleman: **  What. 

** WineRed: **  Best of wives and best of JOHN CENA

** English_Gentleman: **  Goodnight. 

** Knifelife: **  that meme is so outdated why are you guys like this

** herocomplex: **  get out

** Oh_Canada: **  oh god

** Winered: **  See!!! I can be hip. 

** herocomplex: **  please never speak again 

** Winered: **  I can meme

** edgysurlebut: **  shut up

** herocomplex: **  you pronounce meme as mey-mey okay 

** Winered: **  your most popular meme is french!!!

** Oh_Canada: **  That's because you ARE a meme (Not Delivered)

** herocomplex: **  thats bc you ARE a meme

** Oh_Canada: **  :')

** americanidiot: **  why're you guys always so extra......

** mplewoods: **  look whos talking

** americanidiot: **  WHAT'S THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN

** mplewoods: **  youre like the most extra person I know 

** americanidiot: **  SOURCES?????

** herocomplex:  ** you once pretended to pass out in my arms for an hour straight bc you stubbed your toe

** americanidiot: **  I WAS DYING

** edgysurlebut: **  you once set all my shit on fire because i didn't answer your text

** americanidiot: **  I THOUGHT YOU WERE IGNORING ME

** edgysurlebut: **  it was two minutes....I didn't answer for two minutes....

** americanidiot: **  SHUT UP 

** americanidiot: **  ALFRED I'M CRASHING ON YOUR COUCH BC EVERYONE HERE IS BEING MEAN

** herocomplex: **  Im sitting right across from you you could have just said that to my face

** americanidiot: **  GOODNIGHT

                                                                                                                   --------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of this is based off of real conversations


End file.
